Ivypool's Disfunctional Talkshow
by Pouncey157
Summary: Ivypool really should be on meds, but isn't and is hosting a talkshow! Rated T for uncensored profantiy, and lots of violence from Ivypool,
1. Chapter 1

Ivypool walked onto the stage, and sat in her chair, which was next to a desk. The audience screamed.

"OMS! OMS! OMS! OMS! IVYPOOL! IVYPOOL! I LOVE YOU! OMFS!" Ivypool snatched a shotgun from her bra, and fired three shots into the air.

"SHUT THE F*CK UP, I CAN'T START THE MOTHERF*CKING SHOW!" She was for some odd reason out of breath, as the audience, now scared, sat down quietly. As the camera turned to her, she began, with one eye half shut, making her look even more insane.

"Thank you for coming to Warriors: the Talk with me, your host, Ivypool. Out first guest will be Ferncloud." Ivypool set her shot gun on the desk, giving the crowd a glance. They yowled, a lot as Ferncloud walked onto stage. Most of them yowling out, 'That's my mom', since she gave birth to 2/3 of ThunderClan. She sat in the chair across from Ivypool.

"So, Ferncloud, will you tell me how you and Dustpelt have managed to pop out so many kits?" She asked.

"Ferncloud, I Love yo-" Ivypool fired her shotgun at where the voice came from, most likely Dustpelt.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WARRIORS TALK SHOW." She creamed, then turned patiently back to Ferncloud.

"Well, we just have sex SO much, I don't know how we can't! We hyave even had sex with cats from other Clans, in fear we wont remember who we screwed, so we don't wanna inbreed." She meowed gleefully.

"I see. Will you name all of your kits for me?"

" Well, let's see. Birchfall, Larchkit, Hollykit, Shrewpaw, Foxleap, Icecloud, Billybob, Applekit, Russetfur, Jingo, Sagewhisker, Cherrytail, Leafstar- Okay, that's enough for now." Ivypool interupted.

(I'm aware not all of those are her kits, but oh well ;D)

"Next up, Jayfeather!" Ivypool yowled, Firing more shots into the audience, as the commercials came on.

* * *

Warriors Talk Show is brought to you by ShadowClan Sex Line, when banging a cat from your own Clan just wont do.'

* * *

"And we're live!" Ivypool meowed.

"And here's Jayfeather!" The crowd screamed.

"OMS! OMS! JAYFEATHER! I F*CKING LOVE YOU MAN! OMS! OMFS!" He pulled out a machine gun from Ivypools arsenal. He went all the way from the left to the right, before sitting down.

"So, Jayfeather, tell me why you are such a bitch all the time."

"Bitch? BITCH? Who are you calling a bitch! I hate my life! I'm blind! I wanted to be a Warrior, but I can't because I'm blind! Then it wouldn't be too bad, but I have f*cking Briarlight dragging her stupid ass all over my den all the time, and then I f*cking just HAD to be in a prophecy, then my sister dies and my brother thinks he is f*cking god!" He screeched.

"Jayfeather, we all love-" Ivypool used Jayfeather's machine gun to shoot at the voice, which was Leafpool.

"Up next, Rowanclaw, talking about his sex change!" The cloud cheered, and Ivypool once again shot her shpt gun at them,. It then went to -

* * *

Advil-to turn even a bitch like Jayfeather into an angel.

* * *

"And we're back, with Rowanclaw!" Rowanclaw walked on stage, and sat in the chair. The crowd cheered, and Ivypool reached up, into the harness that hung from the ceiling for performances, and got her flame thrower from under her desk. She had the camera man pull her up, and she flew through the air, using her flame thrower on the the audience. She went back to her seat, and set her weapon down. "So Rowanclaw, please tell me about your sex change."

"Well, I actualy didn't- "I LOVE YOU ROWAN!" Purdy called as Ivypool scramed,

"WHAT DONT YOU FUCKING GUYS GET!" She threw a bomb, blowing Purdy into the next generation.

"So, as you were saying."

"I didn't actually have a sex change. I fell into a bramble, somehow grew balls, a penis, and my voice got deeper." He said gleefully.

"O-kay then. That marks the end of todays show! Tune in next ti-" The crowd cheered again, and Ivypool got out her flame thrower.

* * *

I know, odd,random, and amybe even stupid. XD I was hyypppeeerrrrrrrr


	2. Chapter 2

Once again, Ivypool waslked across the stage and fired 4 shots at the audience. "Today Firestar and Graystripe will be singing 'Bestfriend' by Toybox!" The audience clapped and went wild, but Ivypool refrained from nuking them. She was also psyched for them to perform.

They came on stage and began singing in unision "BEST FRIEND BEST FRIEND BEST OF ALL BEST FRIENDS,YOU SHOULD GET A BEST FRIEND TOO! HE TICKLES IN MY TUMMY, HE'S SO YUMMY YUMMY YEAH YOU SHOULD GET A BEST FRIEND TOO!" They tickled each other's tummies on the 'He tickles in my tummy' part, which made the crowd scream louder.

Sandstorm did a knee slide from back stage to the front center, and back flipped to a standing position, and then began to sing.

"Hello baby, can I see you smile?" She wrapped around Graystripe.

"I'm going to a party is gonna be wild!"

"Can I come I am sitting alone?" Firestar joined in.

"Friends are never alone!" Sandstorm sang.

Firestar and Graystripe locked arms and skipped across the stage.

"Baby, some pretty girls are in your world, excuse me, I could also be your girl, lately everyone is makin' fun!" Sandstorm continued.

"NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!" Firestar and Graystripe chanted, still skipping. Next They held hands and skipped, singing,

"He'S MY BEST FRIEND BEST FRIEND BEST OF ALL BEST FRIENDS, HEY YOU SHOULD GET A BEST FRIEND TOO!" They sang the last part to Millie, who cart wheeled onto the stage.

They all locked arms, bowed, and then ran off to back stage. Everyone screamed and clapped, and the medics had to come in for a few she-cats who fainted.

"WHOOO! YEAH!" Nobody had noticed until now, Ivypool was hanging from the rafters, in her bra, swinging her shirt around her head.

"Er." She cleared her throat and put her shirt back on, and sat at her desk again. The camera man ran over and whispered something.

"Okay, they are performing Sexy and I know it later tonight, and tickets can be bought after the show!" The crowd screamed with excitement.

"Come back next time folks, for more excitement on Ivypool Talk!"


End file.
